The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
