Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
