Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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