Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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