i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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