so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
