How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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