Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
