I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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