i barfeds in our rink
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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