Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
