I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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