this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
