I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
