Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
