so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
