Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
