my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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