im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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