sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
