I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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