I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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