What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i dont even know how to be here
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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