I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
