Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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