Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
