My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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