it wasn't lemon gatorade
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
