I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
