My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
