My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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