i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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