Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
