If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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