I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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