I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
