I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
