is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
