we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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