so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
