I think my vagina is haunted
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
