She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
