how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
