if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Actions speak louder than pants.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
