i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You may now shotgun with the bride
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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