a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
