I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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