Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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