I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
