and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
