Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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