Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We need to rekindle our bromance
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize