One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
