This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
