You made me cry and you don't even care
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
