I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
