Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
