I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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