So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
