ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
