just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
