According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
