I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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