Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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