Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
