I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
