Define "chronic" masturbator.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
