i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
