The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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