hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
