Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize